A Pondering Paradox's Palace

This town is colder now, I think it’s sick of us
It’s time to make our move, I’m shaking off the rust
I’ve got my heart set on anywhere but here
I’m staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel…
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal… for the life I lead

The more I think about my life and how I lived, the more I regret it. Listening to this song makes me feel like I should apologize for my life and start all over again. “Steady hands, just take the wheel” is the story of my life as I jump between having God in complete control and then grabbing control of my life myself. The fact is, although I’d like to pretend otherwise, I hate the feeling of depending on other people. In general, I don’t. I make a large enough amount of money not to have to borrow, I don’t crave for other people’s acceptance, and I can feel fine just hanging out with myself. But also, my life is focused about me. Maybe it’s time to “shake off the rust”.

Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

This part of the song is totally true to my life. Most of the time, I think I’m improving and getting better, but if I stop to think about it, I’m really going nowhere. I may get my school done or help a friend out, but I haven’t improved how I act overall and I haven’t changed in my relationship with God. I often wonder why I’m here and not there, I expect, after being a Christian for so many years, to magically understand God and His Will. I expect people to be fair to me, but if “fair ain’t really what I need” from God, if He did give me what’s fair, I’d be lost.

They’re trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could…
Steady feet, don’t fail me now
Gonna run till you can’t walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I’m standing down…

Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be
Oh, do you see what I see…

So overall, this is an apology to people for times I’ve acted like a complete jerk and every time I’ve failed. I’m hoping that sooner rather than later I’ll be over there and not here.

~Alison