My computer crashed on (thursday?) which completely rearranged my plans to finish a novel over break (since I lost everything on there…) but I don’t actually feel disappointed. Which is a good indication that trying to force myself to write was a bad idea. I only seem able to write well when I’m incredibly dysfunctional. Good to know. So for now I’ll focus on drawing and photography and reading and being with my friends.

Got into my first, and only, college I applied to so I’m all set on that front but for some reason, I just don’t feel that excited about it.

Christmas is never a big “deal” around here since we don’t get our presents till New Years but it was refreshing Sunday and I’m looking forward to my last week of break. More photography plans, presents to mail, friends to hang out with. I’m excited that academics next semester should be easier since my hardest class is now over so I may have more time to focus on my passion – any type of art.

Got all my homework done in record time yesterday and today.

Coincidence? I think not.

Seriously contemplating getting a tumblr and/or an etsy shop. I’ve decided to make art (painting, sketching, writing [prose and poetry] and household crafts) a priority in my life and these two sites seem like the type that encourage you.

I don’t really use this blog much anymore, I like it so that I can see all my old archives and I have my name reserved – just in case I get famous. but I write over at Verita twice a week and edit it every day so I’m left with little time for this.

Just thoughts that are swirling around in my head.

P.s. – the title has nothing to do with the post…just a Death Cab for Cutie song I’ve had in my head forever…
Now I’m going to finish off some extra homework and hang with my dad.

I don’t feel ready for “real life” to begin again. So many plans and expectations and so many hopes and dreams. Life is too short and my interests seem never-ending. The more I learn about anything the more my total astonishment and adoration of God’s power grows.

As I consider colleges and careers and future plans, I slow my panic breathing and think of this:
“Here’s how to determine God’s will for your life: Go wherever your gifts will be exploited the most.” – John Stott

I pull my arms up into my just-to-big jacket and wiggle down into my boots.

Fall is here.

I’m not talking about beautiful compared to the people around me. I have way too many gorgeous friends for that. I just don’t feel happy about the way I look.

When I went down to Costa Rica, it was funny to see how different everyone acted about looks and compliments. People you didn’t even know would walk up and say things like, “Tu es bonita!” (You are beautiful) and guys would substitute “guapo” (hot) They weren’t expecting anything. They weren’t selling me coconut souvenirs. It was simply cultural to tell people you think they look good. I don’t know many Americans who do that. I wish they did. I’m not talking about telling your best friend they look nice. That’s almost expected. I’m just talking about walking up to people and complimenting them. I miss that about Costa Rica.

I think everyone could use a little encouragement in their day. It was funny how different I felt in Costa Rica about my looks. I was the same person but my usual bad self-confidence was helped by simply knowing that others that I looked nice.

Compliments are something I think Americans could be better at.

(P.s. These are the random thoughts that go through my head when I’ve been studying precalc way too long.)
(P.p.s. Better posts soon. I have lots of thoughts going through my head just too much work to do!)

One kid constantly complains to the teacher about how difficult the tests are and attempts to beg the answers out of her half-way through the exams. I’ve had him in two spanish classes now and I’ve grown used to his funny sayings, his perpetual absent-mindedness and his ability to charm the teacher.

I have a new kid in my class this Fall though. From the first few classes, I gathered he was a flirt, non-academic, kid who acted like nothing mattered. However, I was pretty sure that, like most people, stuff did get to him, he had just figured out how to cover it.

The funny thing was, I figured all this out even though I didn’t speak to him once. In a mixture of hearing him talk to a friend before class, hearing him talk to the teacher and just observing his reactions, I’d worked out how he was.

Then, a week ago, I started talking to him and he mentioned that he had been to Afghanistan twice. Heavy combat zones, 50% casualties.

It’s funny how knowing one fact about a person makes me reconsider everything I know. Suddenly, I didn’t view him as the silly kid in the back of the class who wouldn’t care if he got a “c.” I had this picture in my head of him with sand in his hair, slow-motion climbing over a sand dune as he swept a small, Afghan boy out of harm’s way.

Then I had an incredibly stupid, but incredibly important realisation.
He was not that guy. He was still the kid in the back of the class who wouldn’t care if he got a “c.” Just because he also went to Afghanistan didn’t redefine who he was. What a person says and does define who they are.

It’s so incredibly easy to look at one big thing people do or have done, and redefine our image of them and be incredibly wrong.

I know amazing soldiers and I started to mentally group this kid in with them instead of just judging this new fact based on what I already knew about him.

How often do we do this to others without meaning to?

I see a guy smoking and think he must be a loser.

I see a person wearing a t-shirt with a stain on it and think they don’t know fashion.

If I saw a photograph of a stranger, I wouldn’t assume I knew where they worked so why do I assume I know the motives and feelings of the people I see when I walk down the street?

I judge people a lot. I’m intuitive and I can easily guess people’s motives and feelings based on little things. But I can also over-judge, and it’s a bad habit. It’s a habit that I’m going to fix.

I’m not quite sure how this post should be labeled. Warning? Confession? Maybe I’m just hoping someone else has this problem to?

Whatever the reason, these thoughts have been scrambled around in my head for the past few days just waiting to get out. Here they come…

It’s funny how lack of sleep makes me feel. Hour after hour of revelations drift wearily through my head. Realizations about who I am and what I am ebbing at the edge of my consciousness. If I was awake, I would consider it a breakthrough but I’m so desperate for sleep that I push away the thoughts.

Exhausted, after a night of hard-earned, short-lasted, rest I struggle to get up on time and do my work. Quickly, my energy is exhausted until memorizing dates is as hard as lifting weights for me. I get so little done I stay up late to work and, after a lack of sleep, I wake up again feeling more tired than the day before.

For now, I cling desperately to the hope that this will disappear. That it’s just a fluke. So I will stay huddled up in bed each night, squeezing my eyes shut tight in hopes of regaining my lost skill of sleeping.

If it lasts…Eventually, I know that I will embrace the insomnia. I did before. I will crawl out of bed and get a cup of tea and scrawl my messy cursive across the pages of my journal while listening to some Owl City lyrics which, magically, know make complete sense. One insomniac to another.

Insomnia is a blessing and a curse. It is a curse because it makes every day tasks seem twice as hard. It is a blessing because you learn to appreciate how little you actually do and how easy what you do actually is. You learn grace and patience as your sore, exhausted head pounds when your mother asks you to do the smallest chore.

It is also a blessing because you always learn something from it. I am not an insomniac because I have a brain problem, otherwise it wouldn’t come and go. I am not an insomniac because I have too much caffeine, trust me I’ve tried that already.

Before my last insomniacic adventure, I had asked God to make me solely dependent on me for my comfort and security. This time, I asked God to give me passion for him that’s obvious in my life. Last time, through nights of insomnia-induced self realizations, I learned how inadequate I really was. This time…we’ll see what happened.

Go here –> Verita

P.s. – my site has gotten over 2,300 views in four days – wow!

3:40ish yesterday till now, my site has had: 341 views.

Oh, nice. I don’t know how many views the average blog gets just about 24 hours but I’m pretty happy with that.